


stars don't disappear; they keep blazing

by lowkeyamen



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Astronomy, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memories, Miscommunication, Polyamory, Stargazing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: The lights are on but no one is home in Kun's shed at the bottom of their garden
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun
Comments: 41
Kudos: 74





	stars don't disappear; they keep blazing

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!  
> this is my first new fic of the year and.....it's not a happy one sorry!!!  
> i've had this in my wips for YEARS and i finally got the drive to finish it, even tho it's kinda painful :'(  
> pls pay attention to the warnings and tags before reading on!
> 
> inspired by the song and mv for [stargazing by kygo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEdvvTF5js4&ab_channel=KygoOfficialVEVO) and somewhat by the movie october sky!

_"We should really head back."_

_"Don't be stupid, it's only nine."_

_"I have an early class tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep if I'm gonna be helping Ten out with his photo shoot."_

_"You're beautiful enough already."_

_Sicheng scoffed to hide the fact he was blushing as Kun whispered against his ear. He let himself settle back into his boyfriend's hold, eyes falling shut as he took in the sound of crickets chirping. It was almost relaxing._

_"Plus, I'm going home tomorrow; you should want to spend as much time as possible with me."_

_Sicheng smiled sadly to himself. He hated that Kun had to go home, even if it was only for a week, but he knew he missed his family._

_"I guess you're right." Sicheng sighed, eyes flickering up, barely able to make out the tiny flecks of white against a vast expense of midnight blue because he'd left his glasses at home like an idiot. "What's that one?"_

_Kun followed Sicheng's finger as he pointed to the sky, squinting slightly to try to decipher exactly where he was pointing. He smiled; of course Sicheng would pick one Kun had already told him about a million times. He never listened, did he?_

_"Ursa Minor, the little bear."_

_Sicheng gasped out an 'oh'. He did already know that one; he just couldn't really see the shapes or animals they were meant to make. They were all just tiny white flecks to him, couldn't tell one from the other._

_But these were his favourite kind of dates, where Kun would drive him somewhere, anywhere. Where the two of them would sit on the hood of his car, staring up at the night sky._

_"You see that really bright one?"_

_Sicheng nodded._

_"That's Polaris. The North Star. It sits above the North Pole so sailors used to use it as a guide."_

_Sicheng had heard all of this before, but it still astounded him, the fact that people actually used stars to navigate the oceans. How was that even possible? They all looked the same._

_"Whenever I'm away and you miss me, just look for Polaris and know that somewhere I'm looking at it too."_

_Sicheng couldn't help but snort._

_"You're so fucking cheesy."_

_"Well, it's true. Whenever you need me, you'll find me in the stars."_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

"Baby, wake up."

Sicheng buried his face deeper into his pillow. He wasn't waking up. Fuck that. 

"Sicheng? Come on, it's after midday, we have plans."

Sicheng wasn't listening. There was no point because he _wasn't_ moving. 

Ten sighed. Sicheng hoped he would give up and just leave him the fuck alone, until he heard the curtains rip open, vision turning red as he stared at the backs of his eyelids. 

"I need you to get up; we're meant to be picking a caterer today."

Sicheng groaned, finally forcing himself to sit up. He tried not to pay his reflection in the mirror opposite their bed any attention. He didn't even look himself any more. Dishevelled hair, dark bags under his eyes, pasty skin. His entire face looked gaunt. Probably because he'd barely left this room or eaten in over a week. Maybe beauty sleep wasn't real, after all. 

He tore his eyes away, gaze heavy as they settled on Ten. He looked concerned, worried, but he chose to pay that no mind either. He didn't understand why Ten was so... Positive. How he could just get on with things, it was like he had forg—

Sicheng stopped himself. He hadn't forgotten. He couldn't have, right? Fuck. He couldn't even think about that right now, any kind of brain activity gave him a headache. He didn't want to think about _anything_ right now. 

"Are you gonna come with me? This caterer is really—"

"Do you really think I care about a fucking buffet right now?"

"I-I just wanted everything to be perfect for—"

"Perfect?" Sicheng spat. _Perfect?_ Was Ten taking the piss? " _Nothing_ is perfect anymore. Nothing will ever be perfect again. Don't fucking use that word."

"But—"

"Will you just get the fuck out of my room?"

" _Our_ room."

Sicheng didn't respond. Couldn't even look at Ten. 

"This is _our_ room, Sicheng." Ten's voice wavered but Sicheng chose to ignore that too. "You can't keep shutting me out like this."

Sicheng knew that. Or at least, the sensible part of Sicheng's brain knew that. But was he going to listen? Fuck no. He just wanted to be alone. He _needed_ to be alone. 

"Get _out,_ Ten! Just leave me the fuck alone!"

Great. He was crying again. He was pretty sure he made Ten cry too but he didn't even care. He couldn't cope with all of this right now. 

He flopped back down onto the bed, curling in on himself. Maybe if he went back to sleep he wouldn't have to think anymore. 

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"Open up!"_

_"I'm old enough to feed myself."_

_"Last time you said that you got pasta sauce all over your brand new white shirt."_

_Sicheng huffed as Ten giggled at him. Okay, so maybe he was kind of clumsy._

_"Okay, fine." Sicheng opened his mouth with an 'aaah', waiting for Ten to feed him like some kind of mother bird. It was cute, honestly. He'd never admit it aloud, but it was pretty cute._

_Ten always wanted to look after him. To look after the both of them._

_"What's taking Kun so long? He only went for plastic cups."_

_"He probably got distracted by something shiny."_

_Ten giggled again. He was so fucking cute._

_Sicheng smiled to himself as the elder lay back on the blanket they had laid out._

_He loved this, when the three of them got to have lunch together, when their classes didn't clash. It didn't happen very often so they tried to make the most of it, gathering a picnic together to bask in in the sun, bask in each other's company._

_Bask in this weird sort of love that had developed between the three of them._

_It was unexpected, to say the least. Sicheng had never dreamt he'd end up with two boyfriends, but here he was. And he wouldn't change it for the world._

_He settled himself down next to Ten, head resting on the red head's shoulder. It was too hot to cuddle properly, so he opted for draping his arm across the elder's stomach instead. Even in the scorching heat he couldn't manage to stay away from either of them for too long._

_"You two are so fucking gay."_

_Sicheng cracked an eye open, hand hovering above his eyes to shield them from the sun. Not that there was much point, Kun's smile beamed so brightly it didn't help all that much._

_"You'd be fucked if we weren't."_

_Kun nudged Ten with his foot, tossing the disposable cups he'd just gone all the way to the supermarket for because suddenly he wasn't thirsty anymore. Not when his boyfriends looked so adorable. He couldn't help but join them._

_Ten sighed contentedly to himself, fingers carding through bleached hair as Kun curled into his other side. It wasn't often he got to be in the middle, Sicheng tended to whine if he was left on the edge of the bed, so he wasn't going to complain that he was too warm sandwiched between his two favourite boys._

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Sicheng winced as sunlight flooded into his vision. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been outside, but he was starting to get sick of looking at the same four walls. His room was beginning to feel like more of a prison than a safe haven and he figured he'd try to leave when Ten wasn't about. He couldn't cope with the elder fussing over him, pushing him to leave his room. _Their_ room. 

Saying that didn't feel right anymore. Saying their or them didn't seem right anymore. 

Sicheng's breath shuddered as he glanced around their back garden. This was what made him fall in love with the place when they went house hunting. They had so many good times back here. BBQs, garden parties, snowball fights, nights camping out under the stars even though their bedroom was just meters away. 

Their garden was like the heart of their relationship. 

But now it just felt... Empty. The grass was more yellow than green, wilted flowers, weeds springing up between the patio slabs. 

How long was it since he had been out here? He didn't even know what day it was anymore. 

Now he was outside he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He just felt kind of… Numb. It was June, the beginning of summer, birds were chirping in the trees, children laughing on the street outside, it was usually his favourite time of year. They had such big plans. They were going to make the most of it.

But Sicheng just felt... Nothing. 

He didn't like being out here alone. Their garden felt too big, too empty, too quiet. It was all a bit overwhelming, actually. This felt like the opposite of being claustrophobic. He knew there was a word for that but his brain wasn't quite functioning properly because opposed to being unable to catch his breath he felt like there was too much air. Like it was drowning him or something. 

He needed to go back inside. 

But his body had other ideas. 

Instead of turning and going back into their house, going straight back to the safety of their bedroom, he made a beeline for a shed, way across the other end of the garden. A shed which didn't look quite as homely as he remembered. Paint peeling off of wood, dirty windows. They had planned on doing it up this summer but never got around to it. It had rained a lot over the past few months. They probably would have started around now, if—

If... 

It wasn't until he was inside the shed that he seemed to snap out of it. That he realised where he was. Even this felt different, and it wasn't exactly somewhere he came often. This was K— It was _his._ His little man cave, as he called it. 

That always made Sicheng laugh. He was sure man caves were meant to be filled with tools and have a mini fridge in the corner filled with beer. But not this one.

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"I can't believe you bought more fairy lights." Sicheng scoffed as he leaned up against the shed doorway, a bottle of cider in one hand, a cigarette in the other._

_"They're not fairy lights." Kun practically whined. "They're individual LEDs. I bought them to make Ten's constellation."_

_Kun didn't even have to turn around to know Sicheng was rolling his eyes. He knew his boyfriend thought he was a complete nerd. And a sappy one at that. But he already had little light displays he had made for his and Sicheng's constellations. He felt it was time to add Tens too._

_It hadn't been long since they had moved in together, all three of them. Since they had graduated university and found this cute little house on the outskirts of the city which they could just about afford if they scraped all of their money together. It was small and cosy, but it wasn't like they needed more than one bedroom, anyway. They'd make it work, for now at least._

_It had this tiny shed at the bottom of the garden, which Kun had claimed as his own. Ten had no need for it and Sicheng wouldn't even entertain the idea of DIY to make it a little more hospitable, so Kun got it all to himself. And he had to admit, he'd done a pretty good job with the place._

_It just needed a few finishing touches._

_"There! Perfect!"_

_Kun spun around, that ridiculous grin on his face; the one that only came out when he was particularly proud of himself._

_Sicheng cocked his head as the blonde waited for his seal of approval._

_"It just looks like a dodgy 'V'."_

_"Only to the untrained eye, my dear." Kun slung his arm around Sicheng's shoulders, making the younger roll his eyes. Again. "It's Pisces. For our tiny little goldfish."_

_Sicheng squirmed as Kun nuzzled his nose into tawny hair, giggling out a 'you're so fucking gross.' Kun had always been ridiculously greasy._

_"But that's why you love me." The blonde beamed, helping himself to a swig of Sicheng's drink._

_"It's why I love you too."_

_Sicheng flinched as Ten appeared out of nowhere behind him. He thought he wouldn't be back til later. What time was it, anyway? Fuck knows. He tended to lose track of everything when Kun was involved._

_"Hey, baby!"_

_Sicheng laughed to himself as Kun wrapped their smaller boyfriend up in a bone crushing hug. He could swear Kun didn't know his own strength sometimes._

_"Well, what do you think?" Kun guided Ten into his man cave, eyes turning crescent moon as his jaw dropped. He hadn't allowed either of them in while he was doing it up, wanting it to be a surprise. Naturally Sicheng didn't listen and just barged in anyway. But at least he got to unveil it to Ten._

_"Woah, this is really pretty." When Kun proclaimed he was doing the shed out, this definitely wasn't what Ten had expected. Sheds reminded him of half used cans of paint, compost and spiders, but this was really cute._

_He wandered around the room, smiling at the collection of succulents on the bench, at the telescope pointing towards the window, at the maps of constellations on the walls._

_This was very Kun._

_Which made sense why it was so beautiful._

_"We should celebrate. Christen the place."_

_"Christen it, huh?" Kun's eyes darkened as he trapped Ten up against his workbench, making the younger giggle. Sicheng watched on with a smirk on his lips. Trust Ten to turn this into an excuse to fuck._

_"You wanna join us?" Ten's eyes were sparkling as they locked on Sicheng's, not unlike the LEDs around the room that mimicked the stars above._

_Sicheng took one least drag of his cigarette, before throwing it on the ground and closing the shed door behind him. They didn't want to be disturbed now, did they?_

_"Now what kind of stupid question is that?"_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Ten pushed their front door open with his entire body weight. He was completely exhausted. Physically and emotionally drained. 

He'd had a long day of appointments which he had to go to on his own because Sicheng refused to leave their bedroom. Their bedroom he hadn't been able to sleep in almost two weeks now, because his boyfriend couldn't bear even being in the same room as him. 

He blinked furiously, forcing the tears away. He wasn't going to cry again. He couldn't. 

Ten exhaled, placing the stack of documents in his arms on the bench. They were the last thing he wanted to look at right now. His head was spinning. 

Instead he focused on the bowls of food he'd brought in. Cooking wasn't exactly high on his agenda recently. He'd gone out of his way on the drive home to go to Sicheng's favourite bibimbap place. He wasn't sure how long it had been since the younger had eaten properly. All of his days seemed to blend into one, and they had barely exchanged more than a couple of words as of late. 

He smiled to himself softly as he took the food upstairs, hoping this would make Sicheng feel even the slightest bit better. Hoping it would give him the nutrition he so desperately needed, at least. 

"Babe? I brought your fav—"

Ten's heart dropped as he realised their room was empty. It had been over a week since Sicheng left during the day time. He would only get up for a drink or the bathroom in the dead of night when he thought Ten was asleep. But he wasn't. He didn't really sleep anymore. 

Where could he be? None of the lights were on upstairs, so he couldn't be in the bathroom. Right? He checked anyway, just in case. 

Nope. No sign. 

"Sicheng?"

Ten tried every room in their tiny house. There was no sign of him anywhere. 

Ten began to panic. Where the fuck could he be?

He tried his phone, waiting on baited breath for the younger to answer before he realised the ringtone was coming from inside the house. 

No. This couldn't be happening. 

Sicheng wouldn't just leave. Would he? All of his stuff was still here. Where the fuck had he gone? 

"Jesus Christ." Ten hissed under his breath. That tiny show of anger was all he could do to stop himself from fully breaking down. What if Sicheng had done something stupid? He couldn't lose him. 

He just couldn't. 

He had to find him. 

He rushed out of the back door, it was quicker to get to where his car was parked, anyway, and he couldn't really be bothered to struggle with the ancient lock on their front door. He didn't even know where to go. Should he just drive the streets? Sicheng didn't really have any special places he went to escape when he needed peace and quiet, because Sicheng hated peace and quiet. He hated being alone. 

And now he was out there somewhere. All on his own. 

Ten had to choke back a sob as he fiddled with the latch on the back gate. Maybe this wasn't the quicker way after all. Not when he could barely function. How the fuck was he supposed to drive in this state? 

But it was lucky he couldn't quite open the gate, because then he would have never caught a glimpse of light from the other end of the garden. 

From their shed. 

Kun's shed. 

His heart raced increased as he ran over, praying that Sicheng was in there. That he was okay. 

"Babe?"

He pushed into the door. It was locked. 

Panic set back in. 

"Sicheng?!"

Ten rattled the door, hands shaking as he tried to force it open. It was no good, he wasn't exactly known for his upper body strength. 

He ran around to the window, they were dirty but he hoped he could at least see in. 

"Sicheng? Are you in there? Are you okay?" 

He could just about make out a distorted image of his boyfriend, slumped on the floor. Oh god. 

"Sicheng! Honey! Please answer me!" Ten banged on the window, hoping to grab Sicheng's attention, praying that he was conscious... Or alive. 

He wouldn't. Would he? 

Sicheng had been so down lately, so withdrawn. What if he had hit rock bottom while Ten was out? What if he had done something drastic because Ten wasn't here to help him, to talk him out of it?

He'd never forgive himself if he lost Sicheng. 

"Sicheng, please."

"Go away."

Ten's heart skipped a beat. Sicheng had been silent for so long he had expected the worst. It had only been a matter of minutes but he wasn't in the right headspace to be thinking rationally right now. 

"Sicheng! Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Let me in I—"

"Ten! Will you _please_ just fuck off and leave me alone?"

Ten choked back a sob, veins running cold. He didn't understand why Sicheng was being like this, why he was pushing him away. He knew Sicheng was hurting, but he was too, and as much as he wanted to be there to support him, he needed Sicheng just as much. 

"Please, I just— Just talk to me."

No answer. 

"Sicheng." Ten sighed, this was getting tiring. He was fucking wrecked. "Please let me in."

No answer. 

Ten wasn't sure how much longer he could put up with this. How much longer he could be the strong one. He was already going through enough without Sicheng blanking him. He couldn't do this anymore. 

He could feel a pressure building up in his throat, in his sinuses. He felt hot tears stream down his face, obscured vision of Sicheng through the window turning to nothing more than a few bleary shapes. 

He was crying again. He was fucking sick of this. He just wanted to go a day without crying, and he was pretty sure he would be able to if Sicheng just let him in. Hold him. Anything. 

"Sicheng, I-I miss you."

Ten's face crumpled at how pathetic he probably sounded. It shouldn't be this difficult to get his own boyfriend to talk to him, to cuddle him, to even look at him. They should be each other's support mechanisms right now. They needed one another.

But Sicheng was completely shutting him out and it was making everything a million times harder. 

"Just leave me alone."

After a deafening silence that went on far too long, Sicheng finally answered. But it wasn't the response Ten was looking for. 

"Go to bed."

Something inside of Ten snapped. Go to bed? Sicheng hadn't let him sleep in his own bed, in _their_ bed in weeks, and now he had holed himself up in the shed he was giving Ten permission to go to bed? 

"Oh, so you're finally allowing me in our room, are you?" 

This was all too much for Ten. He'd tried his hardest to coax Sicheng out, to get him to open up, to be there for him no matter what. But that was starting to take its toll. He needed someone to be there for him too. He couldn't keep putting on a strong face all the time when actually, Sicheng was being kind of a dick right now. He was being selfish, not even taking into consideration how much this may be affecting Ten. 

"Sicheng, just fucking let me in." He banged on the window again. "Stop being such a little bitch and talk to me."

"Go away!"

"No!"

Ten may be sick of Sicheng's shit, but he was also stubborn. Incredibly stubborn. And there was no way he was going back inside just because Sicheng told him to.

"If you won't come out of there, then I'm going to wait here until you do."

Ten wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve before storming back into the house. This was fucking ridiculous. He grabbed the duvet off the sofa, the one he had been sleeping on for the past week while Sicheng wouldn't let him upstairs. He locked the back door behind himself and settled down on the grass, just outside of the door. 

"If you're gonna sleep in there, then I'm sleeping out here!" Ten wasn't surprised he got no response. "I'm not leaving you alone, Sicheng. You need me right now, even if you're too fucking stubborn to see it."

Ten shuffled around a bit, trying to get comfortable. Fortunately it wasn't cold, so he was pretty sure he wouldn't get sick. He actually kind of missed sleeping out under the stars. He just hoped to god it wouldn't rain. 

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"Can we go into town tomorrow? I desperately need a waxing. Xuxi coming home this weekend."_

_Ten scrunched his nose up. That was far too much information._

_"I can't I'm busy."_

_"You? Busy? Without me?" Xiaojun gaped, holding his hand up to his chest in mock hurt. "You're not allowed to have other friends."_

_Ten mumbled a 'shut up', nudging the younger with his elbow._

_"What are you doing that's so important, anyway? And I swear to god if you say studying I'm gonna drop you so hard."_

_"I'm not! I mean, I should, but I'm not."_

_Xiaojun narrowed his eyes, not quite sure if he believed his best friend or not. Ten spent far too long in the library being boring for his liking. Plus, what else would he be doing? It's not like he'd hang out with someone else without telling Xiaojun, would he? Nah. Ten wasn't like that. He didn't keep secrets unless he was dating because for some reason he was super private about all of that. Xiaojun didn't get it, he would more than happily tell anyone who would listen what he and Xuxi would get up to whenever the elder would drive up from his uni beca—_

_Wait._

_"Do you have a date?"_

_"Wh— No! Of course I don't."_

_Xiaojun's eyes widened as Ten flushed._

_Oh my god._

_"Oh my god!" Ten flinched as Xiaojun all but shrieked. "You totally have a date! Who is it? Is he cute? Is it that guy in your literature class you've been making heart eyes at for months?"_

_Ten just kept walking, avoiding eye contact._

_"Is it? Oh my god just tell me!"_

_Ten sighed. It was probably better just to cave; Xiaojun was annoyingly persistent when he wanted to be. He'd find out eventually, anyway._

_"Okay, yes. He asked me out."_

_Xiaojun squeaked with excitement. Finally! He'd been listening to Ten rattle on about this Sicheng guy for fucking ages._

_'He's so pretty.'_

_'He has the cutest smile.'_

_'He's stronger than he looks. I bet he could fold me in half.'_

_He was close to asking him out on Ten's behalf just to get him to shut the fuck up._

_"When? Why didn't you tell me, like, straight away? I'm offended."_

_"It's... It's kinda complicated." Ten sighed again. He really didn't want to try to describe this to his incredibly nosey best friend._

_"How come? Does he have a messy ex? Or some kind of secret life? Is he straight? Oh my god, does he have a kid? Or a girlfriend?"_

_Ten seemed to wince a little at the last suggestion making Xiaojun gasp._

_"He has a girlfriend?" The younger hissed. "Is he still in the closet? Oh my god, Ten, is he using you? I swear to god if he hurts—"_

_"He doesn't have a girlfriend."_

_"Oh." Xiaojun's eyebrows furrowed._

_"He has a boyfriend..."_

_Oh... Well... That was kind of the same. Xiaojun didn't really know how to reply to that. Ten definitely wasn't the cheating type he would never intentionally hurt anyone. He couldn't like this guy that much, surely._

_"Who also wants to date me."_

_Xiaojun straight up stopped in his tracks._

_What?_

_Ten— The guy he was crushing on had asked him out but... So had his boyfriend? What the fuck? This made no sense._

_"They're cheating on each other? With you?"_

_"No! No one's cheating. They want me to be with both of them. Like… A three-way thing, I guess. But not just sex. Like, they want all three of us to be in a relationship. Together."_

_Xiaojun tried to make sense of all of this. He couldn't imagine anyone wanting that. Though, he was notoriously jealous. If anyone so much as looked Xuxi up and down he'd have his tongue rammed down his boyfriend's throat to show just who he belonged to. There was no way in hell he'd be sharing him with anyone else._

_"How does that even work?"_

_Ten shrugged. He honestly had no idea himself. He didn't really have that much experience in normal relationships, never mind something like this._

_"I dunno. But I wanna find out."_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Ten woke up feeling... Cosy. His body finally felt like it could relax, like he and the mattress were one after days of sleeping on their worn sofa. He could practically hear his back thanking him. He was nestled in a soft duvet, nuzzling into a fluffy pillow. He couldn't remember the last time he woke up this content. The last time he woke up in their bed. 

Wait. 

Why— Why was he in their bed? Sicheng hadn't let him sleep in here for god knows how long. 

He rolled over, finding the other side of the bed empty. Where was his boyfriend? 

Ten blinked a couple of times, trying to remember what happened last night. He couldn't remember being in here in the dark… He couldn't remember going to sleep up here. 

_Fuck._

That was because he hadn't. He had fallen asleep outside, waiting for Sicheng to come out of the shed. But he never did. 

How did he end up up here though? He was pretty sure he'd remember coming in. And he was pretty sure he would never willingly do that because he was stubborn as fuck. He definitely would have stayed out there all night if he had to. 

Did... Did Sicheng carry him up here? After he'd fallen asleep? He definitely wouldn't have come up or his own accord, not with the younger in tow, anyway. So… He must have. 

Did that mean he still cared? 

"Sicheng?" He crawled out of bed, hoping this meant the brunette would _finally_ talk to him. "Sicheng, did you take me to bed last night?"

No answer. He wasn't in the house. 

Maybe he was back in the shed. 

"Sicheng? Baby, are you in there?" Ten rattled the door. It was locked. Again. Great. 

He tried the window again; knocking lightly to grab his boyfriend's attention as he realised Sicheng was in fact in there, scribbling away in a notebook on the bench in the middle of the wooden building. 

"Sicheng! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

Tens stomach flipped, Sicheng had answered him the first time. That hadn't happened for a while. Maybe they were making progress here. Maybe things were going to get better. 

"Can… Can I come in or...?"

"No."

Or maybe not. 

"Well, can we talk?"

"I'm busy."

"Sicheng, come on, just..."

"I'm _busy._ "

Ten furrowed his eyebrows. Busy doing what? He couldn't even make out what Sicheng was up to through the window, but surely...what could he possibly be up to right now?

"I know you took me to bed last night."

No reply. 

"I know you still care about me." Ten's voice broke a little towards the end of his sentence. He was getting emotional again. 

No reply. Not that he had really expected one. 

"I'm not giving up on you, Sicheng. I love you, so fucking much and I'm not letting you deal with this alone."

"What if I _want_ to deal with it alone, Ten?" 

That was the first full sentence Sicheng had spoken to him in days. 

"What if I just want to sit in here, on my own, without having to put up with your shit?"

Ten whimpered. Okay, that hurt. He knew he could be a little motherly and overbearing at times, but it was only because he cared. He was worried Sicheng wasn't coping. That he was going to do something stupid. 

All he wanted was to make sure his boyfriend was okay. 

He wished Kun was here. He'd know what to do.

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"You need to sleep."_

_"I need to study. If I fail this test tomorrow, I'm fucked."_

_"And how are you gonna do well in your test if you fall asleep half way through it?"_

_Ten glared at his boyfriend. Kun had this annoying habit of being right._

_"Come to bed."_

_"Where's Sicheng?"_

_"He's already up there. I had to force him to eat because he's so nervous about his recital tomorrow."_

_Ten couldn't help but smile. He wondered where either of them would be without Kun. His eyes flickered down to his book. It was 1am; his exam was in seven hours. If he didn't know these quadratic functions by now, then he never would. He may as well get some rest._

_"Okay, fine." He sighed as Kun bounced slightly in his seat, proud of himself for getting his pair of stubborn boyfriends to actually listen to him, closing Ten's books before he could change his mind._

_Ten let the Kun lead him upstairs. He let Kun peel his jeans off, to change him into something more comfortable. He allowed himself to slide in next to Sicheng, who was already fast asleep, eyelashes fanned out against dark circles. Ten knew Sicheng was just as stressed about university as he was._

_He pressed a kiss to the tip of the brunette's nose, humming contentedly to himself as Kun settled down behind him, pulling him into a strong chest._

_"You're gonna do just fine."_

_Kun never seemed to get stressed about university, maybe because he was studying his passion; astronomy. No one would ever think it upon meeting him, that this happy-go-lucky boy with a smile that shines brighter than the sun and the tendency to tell terrible dad jokes would be into meteors and galaxies and cosmology. But he loved it. It had fascinated him since he was a child, so studying was never that much of a chore for him. It helped that he was top in his class thanks to his photographic memory and ridiculous IQ, but he never seemed to fret as much as his boyfriends did._

_About... Anything, really._

_Ten wished he could be more like Kun. That he could just kick back and relax without feeling like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders._

_But they evened each other out. He was the high strung one, Kun was the overly laid back one and Sicheng sort of lay in the middle, depending on what he had going on that day._

_It just worked. They evened each other out, and the combination of Ten and Kun's contrasting natures seemed to help Sicheng too. He was a lot more stable now than when he was younger._

_Ten let his eyes fall shut, smiling to himself as Kun pressed soft kisses into the back of his neck._

_He was gonna do just fine._

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Ten decided that even if Sicheng wouldn't speak to him, didn't want to see him, he was still going to look after him. Because that's what you do when you love someone. That's what Kun would do. 

He would still cook for him, make him cups of tea and leave the food and drink outside of the shed. He'd slip little notes under the crack in the door, reminding Sicheng that he needed to eat. Reminding him that he loved him and would always love him. 

Ten's heart would swell whenever he'd go out to the garden to find a clear plate sitting where he left the lasagne he'd made for dinner. And he knew it wasn't just a case of wild birds or stray cats nibbling away at it, he would always watch from the bedroom window, waiting for the shed door to crack open, for a frail hand to peek out once he thought the coast was clear. 

If Sicheng didn't want to speak to him, he would do everything in his power to ensure the younger was being looked after. 

But it didn't last long. 

The next afternoon after he had come back from an important appointment he went out with a bowl of Sicheng's favourite ramen, ready to post a cute little note he'd spent ages colouring in in the hope it would make his boyfriend smile. Maybe even speak to him... He had a little box in his pocket that was weighing him down and he desperately needed to talk to Sicheng about it.

But something was different. 

The shed door was open. 

Ten's heart leapt. Was… Was Sicheng letting him in? Was this his way of opening up? Could they finally deal with this together? As a couple? 

"Sicheng?" Ten tentatively pushed the door open, a little scared that it hadn't been locked by accident, and Sicheng would freak out. But when no one screamed at him to fuck off, he pushed in a little further, jaw dropping at the sight. 

"What the..."

There were wires, screws and various tools strewn across Kun's work bench. Open cans of paint, sheets of metal, a flame thrower. Why… Why on earth did Sicheng have all of this stuff out? He had absolutely no interest in DIY and as far as Ten was aware he knew nothing about electronics. What was always Kun's thing. He was the one that fixed their toaster, the only one they could trust to sort out the fuse box after a powercut. Sicheng didn't understand any of that. So what was he trying to do here?

Ten scanned the shed; swallowing thickly as he realised Sicheng wasn't there. Where was he? God, he hoped he hadn't done anything stupid. Why would he just vanish? He hadn't left the shed for days, and now...

Ten sighed as his eyes settled on a dirty sheet in the corner. It was clearly covering something. 

He knew Sicheng wouldn't want him to look, wouldn't even want him in here, but this was the closest he had gotten to finding out what Sicheng was up to in a while. He had to look. Something wasn't sitting right with him here and, well, he was worried. 

He took a deep breath in, ripping the sheet back, a little scared to find out what was underneath. What if Sicheng really had done something stupid and he was under— No. he wouldn't have done that. Surely. 

Ten's eyebrows furrowed as the sheet revealed what seemed to be some kind of… Go kart? Like, one of those soapbox racer things fathers built with their kids? Is that what it was? 

A sort of cylindrical chassis, with wheels and windows and...The front was pointed, as if it was made to be more streamlined, to go as fast as possible. Ten only became more confused as he rounded the… Vehicle? Is that what this was? Did it work? Why was Sicheng even building something like this? It made absolutely no sense. 

The back of the object seemed to be unfinished, wires hanging out of the back. Maybe that's where the engine or something went. But… Didn't engines usually go at the front of a car? This looked more like it was being built to propel, like… A rocket. 

"No." Ten gasped as his eyes shot around the room. Blueprints. The walls were covered in blueprints. He hadn't really noticed before because, well, they had always been there. Kun would spend hours pouring over A2 sheets of paper, a protractor in one hand, mechanical pencil in the other. 

He had always wanted to build a rocket. Ten thought he was crazy. He'd looked into it to see if Kun's dreams would ever be achievable and… They weren't. It was nigh-on impossible to build your own rocket that would actually reach orbit. Not one to hold a human being, anyway. Especially if you weren't a millionaire, which they most certainly were not. Not to mention how dangerous it was...

Kun knew that, though. He knew it was a ridiculously far-fetched dream. That it would never happen. But he seemed to enjoy sketching designs for his make believe rocket anyway, only dreaming about seeing the stars for himself. 

But now… Was Sicheng actually trying to make his dream a reality? 

Ten took note of the pile of textbooks on the workbench, the ones he had noticed missing from their room. He scanned over Sicheng's scrawled calculations, wondering how his boyfriend who absolutely hated maths managed to even come up with them. 

This was… Crazy. 

Was Sicheng seriously ignoring him and forcing him to deal with all of this on his own because he was trying to build a fucking rocket? 

Ten stood in awe for a couple of minutes. What was actually happening here? Was Sicheng…? He knew he was struggling but this? _This_ was insane. Maybe things were worse than he thought. He had to find him. He had to find Sicheng before he seriously hurt himself or—

"What are you doing in here?"

Ten flinched as someone spoke up behind him. Oh, thank god. Sicheng was okay but… He sounded pissed. 

"I… I came to bring you lunch, and the door was open and I—"

"You just thought you'd waltz on in?"

Ten scoffed. What exactly was Sicheng's problem?

"Yeah, actually. I'm worried about you. I wanted to see what you were up to in here."

"I never said you could. Get out."

Ten's eyes narrowed. He was past the stage of worry or feeling sorry for his boyfriend. He was just plain annoyed. Who did Sicheng think he was talking to him like that? He wasn't the only one suffering. 

"No. This is just as much my shed as it is yours."

"It's not—" Sicheng averted eye contact for a second, words getting stuck in his throat. "It's not yours. It's—"

"Say it."

"This is—"

" _Say_ his name, Sicheng!" 

If Sicheng wasn't going to talk to him, then Ten was going to push. He was going to push until the younger broke down because maybe that was the only way he could get him to snap out of this awful mood he'd been in. He knew everyone dealt with things differently but… He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. It was hard enough that Kun was… Gone. He didn't have the energy to deal with Sicheng throwing a tantrum on top of that. 

"I-I c—" Sicheng's breath shuddered as he looked over at the half finished rocket through bleary eyes. The one he was building for him... For Kun. "I can't."

Ten followed Sicheng's gaze. His boyfriend was upset, he knew that, but this was the most progress they'd made in days and… If he stopped now he'd never forgive himself. This may make things worse but they _needed_ to talk about this. 

"Why did you make that?"

Sicheng didn't respond, opting to pick at the scab that was forming on his left hand from when he had accidentally burned himself the other night. 

"You're not gonna…" Ten cleared his throat. "Try to make it work, are you?"

Sicheng's head snapped up jaw clenched. 

"What's the fucking point in a rocket that doesn't go to space, Ten?"

Ten winced at Sicheng's tone. He was really serious about this, wasn't he? He actually believed he could make a rocket that could go to space. But… Why? What was the point? It wasn't going to change anything. 

"Sicheng." Ten sighed, not sure how to go about saying this. "You know that's not possible, right? You can't make a rocket and go to space."

"I can try."

"But why?" Ten slammed his fist down on the workbench. He was getting sick of this. It had been days since he and Sicheng talked, since his boyfriend had so much as looked at him, nevermind kissed or cuddled him. And _this_ was the first conversation they were having? Really? "Why are you doing this? We have so much to sort out and— And, I need you and you're just— You're wasting your time with some stupid project that-"

"It's not stupid." Sicheng's fists clenched. He hadn't let Ten in because he knew fine well he'd say that. That he was being stupid. That this wouldn't change anything. That he was wasting his time. Well, he wasn't. Sicheng _knew_ he wasn't because Kun would never lie to him. "I— I need to do this."

"But why?" Ten just wanted Sicheng to talk to him. He wanted to understand what was going on in his boyfriends head. Maybe he should have been firmer when this all happened, maybe he should have insisted on Sicheng going to see his therapist, but he had been selfish, he wanted the boy around him all the time. Even if they barely spoke, he wanted Sicheng there with him. "It— It's not going to bring him back."

Kun wasn't going to catch wind of this amazing rocket that Sicheng had made for him. He wasn't going to come running back to him… To them. This wasn't going to magically make everything better, reverse everything that had happened in the past so things could go back to how they used to be, when they were happy. All three of them. 

That was over now, and Sicheng had to know this wasn't going to change that... Right? 

"Because I need to see him!"

Ten's blood ran cold. See him? What— What did Sicheng mean by that? 

"You want to see him?"

Sicheng didn't respond. That's what he said didn't he? 

But the silence was deafening to Ten. It made his skin tingle and not in a good way. 

"Baby you can't see him."

"I can! He would want me to."

"He wouldn't, he— That's the last thing he would want!"

"He _loves_ me."

_Loves. present tense._

"He— He does. He loves you so much, but—"

"And this is his dream! I need to do this. I need to see him."

"Sicheng! You can't!" This was crazy! This was— It was so— So dangerous and—

Ten looked across at the rocket. 

Dangerous. 

It was so fucking dangerous. 

There was no way this thing would work and… Sicheng knew nothing about engineering or chemicals and—

Ten swallowed. 

No-one could survive blasting themselves into space in a makeshift rocket.

But, maybe that didn't matter to Sicheng. 

"Y-You're not gonna do anything stupid are you?"

"Stupid?" So Ten thought he was stupid now? "This isn't stupid, Ten! You know how much this means to him!"

"But he isn't gonna see it! He's not— Sicheng; you can't actually be serious about this?"

"Of course I am! I can't— I miss him! I need to see him!"

Sicheng was starting to get angry. What was Ten's problem? Why didn't he understand? 

Maybe he had never loved Kun. 

Not like Sicheng did. 

"You don't get it because I love him more than you do!"

"Wh—?" That hurt. A lot. Ten loved Kun more than anything. He loved him so fucking much too and— Sicheng wasn't the only one struggling here. "You think I wouldn't give anything to see him too? But that's not fucking possible, is it?"

"You're just not even willing to try! This is going to work and we're gonna be toget—"

"He's _dead!"_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_Sicheng pressed the button on the side of his phone for the fourth time in the past couple of minutes. What the hell was Ten doing ringing him when he was at work? He knew he couldn't answer. His boss was only a couple of desks away and he was going to kill him if it vibrated again._

_But it did._

_"Just answer it!"_

_Sicheng mumbled a sorry before scuttling out of the room. Great. He was in for it now._

_"What?" He hissed down the phone to his boyfriend, wanting Ten to know exactly how pissed off he was. "I'm at w—"_

_"Oh thank god. Baby I'm coming to pick you up th—"_

_"Ten, I'm busy!"_

_"There's been an accident, we need to—"_

_"An accident?" Sicheng felt his pulse rise. "Wh— What happened?"_

_"I dunno! I don't— It's Kun. He's in hospital and—"_

_"Hospital?"_

_"He's been hit by a car and—" Sicheng's ears began to buzz as Ten sobbed. He was crying. "They just rang and— We need to go. We need to be there."_

_Everything seemed to go silent. He could see his boss banging against the window, motioning for him to hang up and come back into the office. He could feel his phone vibrating a little as Ten cried down the line. He knew his heart was thumping against his rib cage. But he couldn't hear anything._

_He couldn't—_

_"Baby? Sicheng are you still there? I'm around the corner."_

_"I'll be out in a minute."_

_Sicheng had always hated hospitals. He hated the stale smell in the air and those uncomfortable little plastic seats and how everything was meant to be clean and sterile but the walls were painted this off shade of white so they honestly never felt that way._

_He really hated them. He hated them that time Ten had to have surgery on his knee and the time he had to come in for a biopsy on a lump he found that thankfully turned out to be nothing._

_But this was by far the worst._

_Because they just left them waiting there with no idea what was going on._

_Kun was in surgery. That's all they knew. They didn't know why or what for or how long, just… That's where he was._

_"It's gonna be fine." Ten whispered as he squeezed Sicheng's hand, but Sicheng knew from the flat tone of his voice he didn't even believe that himself._

_This was serious. Someone had ploughed into Kun as he was crossing the street and drove off._

_"He's gonna be fine."_

_"What if he's—"_

_"Don't." Ten squeezed a little tighter. He couldn't think of that. He wouldn't think of it. "W— We need to try and stay p-positive and—"_

_He was choking up again. He was trying to hold it together but he couldn't because the doctor said Kun had lost a lot of blood and there was swelling on his brain and Ten honestly didn't know what that meant but he knew it wasn't good._

_But he had to hold on to some shred of hope because what else did they have?_

_He had to be okay._

_Kun just had to be okay._

_"Mr Lee?"_

_The two of them sat up, alert, as a surgeon appeared from behind a set of double doors. She addressed Ten because he had been the one they managed to get in contact with first. It made Sicheng feel weird for some reason, but now wasn't the time for jealousy._

_"Would you both like to step into a more private room?"_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Sicheng flinched as Ten screamed. As tears filled his boyfriend's eyes. 

"He's dead, Sicheng! He's gone. He's not coming back and— And— _This!"_ He motioned to the half built rocket. To this fucking ticking time bomb Sicheng had thrown together. "This isn't going to change that! You can't launch yourself into space because he isn't going to fucking be there!"

Sicheng merely blinked in response. That word…

Dead. 

"I know you miss him. Trust me. I do too. I wake up every morning and for a moment it's like I forgot and I expect to go downstairs and he's there cooking an omelette but he isn't. He's— He's not and he's never going to be again."

Sicheng still didn't respond. He was just staring at the rocket. Just… Staring. 

It was seriously beginning to scare Ten. 

He knew Sicheng had been in a bad place. That he was struggling, but… This wasn't the answer. 

"Baby," he took a few slow steps forward, not wanting to spook the younger, "I know this is hard. The worst thing that's ever happened to us, but I'm worried about you. I'm scared that— I'm scared I'm gonna lose you too."

Ten looked down at the pair of rings that sat on his finger. The ones there to symbolise the relationship he had with the two of them in lieu of ever being able to get married. Their version of an engagement ring. One for Sicheng and… One for Kun. 

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"Come here! Look! You can see it!"_

_Sicheng squinted up at the sky. It just looked the same as always._

_"Through the telescope, idiot."_

_Kun scoffed as Sicheng crawled closer to where he was._

_They had taken a trip to the countryside, packed a couple of blankets and a cooler full of beer and snacks and Kun's telescope and headed off. They needed a perfectly clear sky. No pollution. No lights. And even though they had moved to a tiny little village miles and miles away from any major city, it still wasn't enough. They had to go completely off track._

_"What am I looking for?" Sicheng closed one eye as he looked through the telescope. It still blew his mind how this thing could see stars that were_ _lightyears away. It looked so simple._

_"It's Saturn, can't you see it?"_

_Sicheng hummed. He could see a lot of… Dots and stuff, but… He wasn't really sure what he was meant to be looking for specifically._

_"Oh! Yeah. There it is!"_

_"You're just pretending, aren't you?"_

_"No, it's totally there!"_

_"Of course it's there. Where else would it be? Ten, come look!"_

_Sicheng shuffled back a little as Ten took his place. He took a sip of his wine from one of the little disposable cups they had brought as Kun's fingers lingered on Ten's shoulder._

_They looked so good together. So perfect. The way Ten gasped in awe as he looked through the telescope made Kun's eyes light up. Made them twinkle like the stars above._

_They loved each other so much._

_And Sicheng loved them too._

_More than anything._

_"Sicheng you gotta see this! It's amazing! You can see the rings and everything!"_

_Kun's eyes locked on Sicheng's as Ten said that, lips quirking into a smile. That was the perfect set up._

_"Speaking of rings." He breathed, dipping into his pocket. Even though this was something he had Sicheng had spoken about for weeks — something they had planned. It was nerve wracking. "We wanted to give you something."_

_Ten's jaw dropped as Kun revealed a little navy velvet box to him, as Sicheng crawled over beside him, trying to hide the obvious smile on his face._

_"Wh-Whats this? Oh my—"_

_Kun opened the box, revealing two simple rings. One a silver band, the other gold._

_"I know we can never get married or anything, but…"_

_"We want you to be ours forever."_

_"Just the three of us against the world."_

_Ten almost couldn't make out the matching bands Sicheng and Kun already had on the fourth fingers of their left hands. When had they— They didn't have those on before, right?_

_"Are you serious?"_

_"Of course we are." Sicheng took Ten's hand in his own, it was so tiny. He hoped the rings wouldn't be too big. "We love you."_

_"Just as much as we love each other."_

_Something bubbled in Ten's chest. He knew that. He did. They never missed an opportunity to tell him, but there was this niggling little voice in the back of his head that always told him things would change. That Kun and Sicheng would realise they wanted to build a proper life together, just the two of them. Because they had been together for years before Ten even appeared on the scene._

_But that was stupid. They would never just toss him away like that._

_"I love you too. Both of you."_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

"I just want to see him." Sicheng crumpled to the floor. He— He hated this. He hated being without him. He hadn't been without Kun for more than about seven days in… Well, since they met in college. He had never had to go this long without seeing him. 

"I know." Ten lowered his voice the closer he got, kneeling down so he was at Sicheng's level. "I would give anything to see him too, but— But you can't. Not like this."

"But he's up there. I know he is. He's in the stars and—"

Ten's breath shuddered as Sicheng began to cry. He hated seeing him cry so fucking much. 

He wanted to reach out and pull him in close but he was terrified Sicheng would lash out and reject him. He wasn't sure he could deal with that on top of everything that had happened the past week. He— He couldn't even hold his hand. Couldn't even rub his thumb over the rings Sicheng had. One gold and one rose gold. 

"That's where he said he would be."

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"That's gonna be us up there one day." Ten and Sicheng looked up at the sky, where Kun was pointing. "In the stars. Forever."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Please don't tell me you've bought us stars. That's so cheesy."_

_Though, it wouldn't surprise Sicheng in the slightest. He was the romantic one. The one who had suggested the whole ring thing to him just weeks ago. He wanted to make sure they both knew just how much he meant to them, but he also knew Sicheng hated surprises. That's why he got him in on it._

_And it had worked. Of course it had. The three of them were meant for each other._

_Ten accepted the rings with tears in his eyes. He had pounced on the two of them and kissed them until… Until it turned into much more and they made love right there under the stars Kun adored so much._

_It was perfect._

_Sicheng couldn't think of a better pseudo-proposal._

_"No! But I guess I better rethink your Christmas presents." He laughed, snuggling into Sicheng a little more. It was getting cold, and the fact he was totally naked with nothing but a blanket covering him wasn't helping. "I mean when we die. We'll still be together, I just know it. Always."_

_"Morbid." Ten mumbled on Sicheng's other side. He didn't like thinking about stuff like that. It made him sad. He couldn't stand the idea of being without either of them._

_"I think it's nice." Sicheng whispered, making Ten raise his head in shock. He was the one that didn't like all of that mushy shit, but this he was into? "Whenever you need me, you'll find me in the stars."_

_"What?"_

_Ten had no idea what he was talking about._

_"That's what Kun used to tell me whenever we were apart. At uni if he had to go home or anything." Sicheng intertwined their fingers over the top of the blanket. He hadn't heard it for a while, ever since Ten came into their lives he never needed to. He was so rarely alone. "It always made me feel better knowing that wherever he was, we were staring up at the same night sky."_

_"That's so sweet." Tens heart fluttered. He never really got to see this side of Sicheng, he wasn't big into sentimentality. Though, he never expected to have a silver band around his ring finger either. "I don't like thinking about it, but… I like the idea of us always being together. No matter what happens."_

_Sicheng curled an arm around Ten, holding his boyfriend close._

_He liked that idea too._

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Ten's shoulders slumped a little. 

"Whenever you need me, you'll find me in the stars." Those words rang around his head in Kun's voice. Ever since that night… It was something he started saying more often. Something that was for the both of them, not just Sicheng. 

"I need him." Sicheng's voice cracked. "I can't do this without him."

That broke Ten's heart. He didn't know what to say. Surely Sicheng knew Kun wasn't being literal. That he couldn't fire himself up past the stratosphere in some handmade rocket and actually find Kun. He wasn't waiting around on some star lightyears away, waiting for them to come join him. 

But this was the one thing that he was holding onto. His one tiny glimmer of hope. 

Ten wasn't sure he had it in him to ruin that. 

"Baby…" He started, settling down on the floor, legs crossed so he could get as close to Sicheng as he possibly could without freaking him out too much. "He's always going to be up there. Every time we go out at night and look up at the stars he'll be there and— And he's looking down on us."

Ten tried his hardest to blink away his tears, but it only forced them to roll down his face. 

"He's watching us. And he would hate seeing you like this."

Sicheng swallowed, looking up towards the roof of the shed. 

Kun was watching them. He would be heartbroken seeing how badly the two of them were falling apart. 

He would never want this. 

His eyes flickered back over to the rocket. He wondered if Kun would be proud of him. He wished he had taken this much interest in astrophysics when Kun was still… Alive. It could have been something they did together. Instead Sicheng would stay inside and play his video games while Kun was out here. On his own. 

They had missed out on so much time, and if Sicheng could go back, he would spend every waking minute with Kun if he could. 

He was stupid not to when he had the chance. 

Because he would never get the opportunity again. 

He couldn't go see him. 

He couldn't blast himself up into the sky because… Kun wasn't there. He wasn't sitting on the tip of some star waiting for him… 

He was gone. 

He wasn't coming back. 

Sicheng would never be able to see that face again. Those dimples smiling back at him. He would never—

He began to cry again, as if it was finally hitting him. 

Kun was gone. 

It was over. 

The love of his life was—

He cried harder as his cheek came into contact with something soft; Ten's shirt. He let it all out as arms wrapped around his shaking shoulders and held him close. 

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

Sicheng couldn't see but he knew Ten was crying too. He knew he didn't fully believe his own words but was trying to stay strong just like that night they sat waiting in hospital, staring at the walls hoping for the best only for a doctor to push through a set of double doors and rip their lives apart. 

Sicheng had felt numb ever since. 

He had tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Had tried to find something else to focus on, but… It was pointless. Nothing would ever bring him back. 

He was gone.

He was never going to see Kun again. 

"I'm here." Ten whispered into his hair. "I-I'm here and— I'm not leaving you."

Ten held Sicheng closer, terrified of letting go. It had been so long since they had held one another and it had been all Ten had wanted this past week. He hadn't so much as held Sicheng's hand since they left the hospital that night. He wouldn't let Ten anywhere near him and now—

Now he wasn't letting go. 

He couldn't risk losing Sicheng again. 

"Even if you don't want me here." Ten shook his head, eyes screwed shut. "I'm not leaving you. I c— I can't lose you too."

Ten was still terrified of this rocket thing. Terrified Sicheng was going to try and harm himself. That he really did want to join Kun. 

That he wanted to die. 

Because he got it. He did. Everything felt so hopeless. Like there was no way things could be good again 

He would do anything to see Kun again too. 

But he wouldn't want that. He would want them to live their lives, to join him when they were ready. 

It wasn't their time to visit the stars. Not yet. They had so much left to live for. 

They still had each other. And it might take some time but Ten was determined to make sure Sicheng knew that. 

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that on the floor of Kun's shed, but it was long enough to grow cold and make Ten's knees hurt. He didn't mind, though. He couldn't miss this opportunity to be close to Sicheng. He was so scared something would flip inside of him and he would reject any form of affection again. So Ten was planning to hold on as long as possible. 

He didn't care that it was getting dark out. That he was uncomfortable kneeling on the concrete. 

At least he had Sicheng. 

Until he pulled away and Ten's heart dropped. 

"Babe…" His voice shook as Sicheng stood up, as he walked away and back over to the table in the middle of the shed. The one that held his hone made rocket. Oh god no. "B-Baby?"

He couldn't still be thinking about going through with this. Could he?

"Get the truck."

Ten swallowed, heart racing. 

He was going to try it, wasn't he? 

"Sichen—"

"Just get the truck." Sicheng pulled open one of the drawers behind the bench. "I want to go to our spot."

Ten's fingers tightened around the steering wheel as he drove. Sicheng's eyes were locked on his passenger window. He hadn't said a thing since loading up the back… And Ten wasn't even sure what with. But he had an idea. And that scared him. 

He couldn't lose another boyfriend. 

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

_"You're gonna lose a finger."_

_"I won't. I know what I'm doing."_

_Ten followed Kun, a beer in his hand as his boyfriend jogged along, a wire trailing behind him. He should have known it was a bad idea to let him watch October Sky. Now he was obsessed with building a little rocket of his own. Even if it was one he couldn't squeeze into. The idea of something he had made going to space was exciting enough._

_"Sicheng!"_

_The younger had only just pulled up, work finishing a little later than his boyfriends. Kun didn't want to lose too much light so he and Ten had drove down to their favourite spot earlier, the one where they had exchanged rings, to set things up._

_"Just in time!"_

_"Is that it?" Sicheng squinted. When Kun said he was building a rocket… Sicheng hadn't expected it to be about the side of his forearm. "It's tiny. You'll never fit in that."_

_Kun rolled his eyes, shoving the younger a little._

_"Idiot." He hissed under his breath. Of course he wouldn't. Was Sicheng seriously expecting him to build something that big? With what money? And where the hell was he supposed to find NASA grade rocket fuel? "Just get back."_

_Sicheng perched himself on the hood of the car, Ten standing next to him, his fingers absentmindedly playing with the holes in his jeans as they watched Kun crouch down, as he lit the fuse._

_He looked so proud of himself. Was buzzing with excitement. It made Sicheng smile._

_He was so passionate. Always put 100% into everything he did._

_Sicheng loved that about him._

_"Oh my god!" Ten bounced a little beside him as the rocket began to spark. "It's gonna work!"_

_Kun gasped out as it took off, sailing through the air. A rocket. He had made all on his own. It was flying. It was flying really fucking high and— And it—_

_"Fuck!"_

_It changed direction, maybe there wasn't enough fuel to sustain it or there was some sort of blockage or— Whatever was happening it was no longer firing up, it had changed course and was heading their direction._

_The three of them scattered, running frantically, trying to find something to hide behind, hoping to god it didn't hit one of the cars because there was no way their insurance would cover that._

_But they got lucky. The rocket exploded in the middle of the air before it had a chance to get too close and no one got hit by any shards of metal._

_Kun couldn't help but laugh, sprawled out on the ground after he hit the deck. All that work for nothing._

_His dream had very literally exploded in front of him._

_"Guess it's back to the drawing board."_

_"You're kidding, right?" Ten popped his head up, twigs in his hair from the bush he had dove into. In hindsight a few leaves probably wouldn't have protected him, but it seemed like the best option at the time. "We could have died."_

_Kun rolled over, eyes sparkling as he looked at his boyfriend._

_"Exciting, right?"_

｡.:*☆･ﾟ☾*ﾟ

Sicheng kicked his legs as he sat on the back of their truck, fingers wrapped around a long metal tube. 

He had found this when he holed himself up in Kun's shed. Another attempt at a rocket. He had been trying for the past year or so, but something was always off. It was too heavy or the fuel was too strong. It either wouldn't take off in a linear fashion and almost take him out or it would explode in the air. 

But Sicheng had learned a thing of two the past few days and he wanted to try it out for himself. For Kun. 

Ten was just thankful he hadn't brought that big rocket car he had been working on. There was no way he was going to stand back and let Sicheng blow himself up. 

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

That was Kun's last rocket. The last piece of his dream. They were going to test it out this weekend, but… He never got the chance to finish it. 

"He thought this was going to be the one." Sicheng smiled to himself, thumb rubbing against the metal. He had seen the blueprints, Kun's scribbles detailing the formula for the fuel. Sicheng may not be an expert like his boyfriend, but he had to give it a try. He had to do this for him. Kun wouldn't want all of that work to go to waste. "Set up the telescope."

Ten did as he was told. He saw this as a compromise. He would rather Sicheng set this rocket off than that other monstrosity. There was no way he could cope with burying two boyfriends. 

He watched on as Sicheng took out a marker and scrawled something on the side of the rocket. 

"I know it's stupid." He mumbled. "I know he's not going to see it, but… He said he would be up there, so… You never know."

Ten's eyes brimmed with tears he refused to let fall as he watched Sicheng write their names on the rocket. As he wrote WE LOVE YOU in big capital letters and surrounded it with tiny little hearts. _We._ That made Ten's chest tighten a little. Sicheng had been so distant and… Now this. It gave him hope. 

"He's gonna love it."

Ten practically melted as Sicheng looked up at him and smiled. He had missed that so much and now— He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie as Sicheng ran off to set the rocket up. He didn't want to let him see him cry… He was trying to be strong because Sicheng so clearly needed him. He was delusional and it was scary. Ten hoped that finally getting a chance to speak to him would have brought him back down to reality, but he wasn't so sure. 

He knew Sicheng would have a hard time adjusting. That he would struggle to accept Kun was really gone. That's why he had wanted him to have a part in the funeral planning, but… 

Instead he was building a rocket to send himself up to the stars to see their dead boyfriend. Ten still wasn't sure if he was being serious, or if he really did want to end his own life, but he was glad he hadn't brought it along with him tonight at least. 

That was something. 

Maybe this would be the start of Sicheng healing. 

Ten would have to keep an eye on him, have to make sure he was doing okay, maybe convince him to go see someone, but… 

He figured this was somewhat cathartic. This was their spot. It was where Kun would drive them to test out his latest invention or where they would just lie around and stare at the stars. It was where Kun and Sicheng asked Ten to be theirs. Forever. His fingers brushed against the box sitting heavy in his pocket. He had wanted to show Sicheng, but… He was terrified it would make him worse. 

He would let him have this first. 

Let him fire off his rocket. 

"Okay, get back!"

Ten was already more than far enough away but he took a couple of steps back just to be safe. Sicheng looked so… Alive. Ten hadn't seen him like this for so long. Even before Kun passed… Work had seriously been ruling their lives lately. 

Ten was determined to change that. 

He was going to spend as much time with Sicheng as he could for now on. They knew life was way too short. 

"Okay." Sicheng took a deep breath. This was it. Kun's last rocket. His last attempt. "Here."

He shoved the detonator in Ten's hands. He couldn't do it. 

It was too much. 

"We don't have to."

"We do." Sicheng's eyes were locked on the rocket. "He would want us to. We need to finish this, for him…"

Ten looked down at the device. He knew it wasn't, but in a way this felt like the last piece of Kun they had. They'd have no reason to come down here once a month and blow stuff up. No reason to stick around until the early hours of the morning and watch the stars. 

It almost felt like they were saying goodbye to this place. 

To him. 

So he took Sicheng's hand, he guided it to the button so they could press it together. 

"This is for you, baby." He looked up towards the sky, eyes filling with tears once again. It wasn't quite dark enough for the stars, barely dusk, but he knew it wouldn't be long until he could see them again. Until they could see him. 

He heard Sicheng sniffle beside him and he knew this could go on forever, the two of them just… Delaying the inevitable because once that pressed that button… All of his hard work would be gone. 

But they had to. 

He had to see whether it had worked. 

And Ten knew he would be watching. He would be up there waiting. 

So he pressed down on top of Sicheng's thumb and set the fuse off, flinching as it began to spark. 

This was so much more nerve wracking than all of those other times. Not only because Sicheng had been the one to put everything together and Ten honestly wasn't sure he had a clue what he was doing… This could end up killing them. But more because he wanted it to work so badly. For Kun. 

"Oh my god!" Ten jumped, dropping the device so he could wrap his arms around Sicheng's bicep as the rocket shot up into the air. It was going so high! And— And it just kept going. 

It was… Flying. 

"He did it." Sicheng whispered, a hand resting on his brow bone as he tried to focus on the metal tube flying through the air. 

Flying to where Kun was. 

He expected it to explode but… It didn't. It just kept going until he couldn't see it anymore. 

"He did it!"

This was so exciting! All of those months of work and— He pulled it off! He—

Sicheng moaned as arms wrapped around his neck and lips pressed against his. Ten was on his tiptoes, pulling him into a celebratory kiss and… 

Sicheng leaned into it with everything he had. He wrapped his arms around Ten's waist because it had been too fucking long and he had been so preoccupied with everything that he hadn't realised how much he missed this. How much he missed Ten. How badly he needed him. He had been pushing him away all this time, insisting he could cope with this alone, but… 

He couldn't. 

He needed Ten. 

He loved Ten. 

With or without Kun he was always going to love Ten. 

And he couldn't lose him too. 

He had to hold onto him because he could be ripped away just like that. No warning. 

"You did it." Ten whispered, face wet with tears as he looked up through big glassy eyes. "Y-You made it work."

Sicheng nodded, biting down on his bottom lip. He did. He and Kun did. 

"We did it together."

"You did it, baby!" Ten screamed up at the sky, jumping up and down. He never imagined he would get so excited over physics. Especially without Kun here. But he was. He was proud. "Did you see? It worked!"

Sicheng felt something shift inside of him as he watched Ten. 

He didn't have Kun here anymore. At least not in person. He would always live on in their memories and Sicheng would never ever forget him, but… He still had Ten. He could still hold and kiss Ten. He still had someone that loved him. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered. It made Ten take his eyes off the darkening sky. "I'm sorry for pushing you away and— Y-You've been struggling and I wasn't there."

"It's okay."

"It's not." Sicheng shook his head. "I'm sorry. For everything. For ignoring you and— And for saying you didn't love him as much as me." Sicheng regretted that so much. "I didn't mean it. I just— I dunno."

Ten nodded. That had hurt. Really hurt. He had always had this deep rooted fear that he was just an add on to Kun and Sicheng's relationship. Neither of them had ever made him feel that way, but it was hard to believe what they had was real. Especially when so many people told them it could never last. 

But he knew Sicheng was just hurting. He knew that grief made people do and say stupid things. Especially if they weren't dealing with it properly. 

"I know you love him more than anything." Sicheng wrapped his arms just that little bit tighter around Ten's waist. "And I love you too."

Ten internally cursed himself for welling up again. He was an emotional wreck lately, not that it was any surprise. 

"I know you do." Ten may have doubted it over the past few days, terrified that Sicheng wouldn't want him without Kun. But deep down he knew. Sicheng had always loved him. "I love you too. No matter what."

He lowered himself back down, feet flat on the ground and reached into his pocket. He had to do this now. He couldn't leave it overnight. 

"I went to see the solicitor today… She told me what he wanted. For— For the funeral and stuff." Ten already had a vague idea. He knew Kun didn't want a burial. He didn't see the point in taking up space when he could spread around the places he loved most. "He wanted us to keep these."

Sicheng felt his stomach flip as Ten took a little white box out of his pocket, opening it to reveal two rings. One silver, the other rose gold. 

He picked the silver one up, realising it had a chain running through the hole. 

K & S. 

He swallowed as his eyes locked on the engraving inside of the band. He and Kun had picked them out together, wanting to surprise Ten. That's when they came up with the idea of each having a colour. He chose silver. Both Kun and Ten's rings from him were silver… 

"He doesn't want to keep them?"

Ten shook his head. He was being cremated. He wanted the rings to stay with them as a reminder. 

"He wants us to have them." Ten took the ring from Sicheng, unhooking the clasp of the necklace so he could reach up and fasten it around the younger's neck. Sicheng already had a ring from Kun. It was gold and sat on his fourth finger on this left hand as if they were married. Because they might as well be. Kun had been more than a boyfriend to him for years. 

But now he had Kun's ring too. He had all three colours. Silver, gold and rose gold. 

It felt weird. 

But he couldn't help but hold the ring close to his sternum once the necklace was fastened. He would always have something of Kun's on him. 

He looked down to see Ten just finishing off fastening his own. A rose gold ring with K & T engraved on the inside now sat among the other necklaces he always wore. Ten had always been a sucker for anything shiny. 

He reached out to touch it.

They both had all three colours now. 

It was just as well he and Kun settled on buying a ring each, not just one to show the love all three of them had. They each wanted to devote their love to Ten and to one another. 

This way they didn't have to decide who got to wear Kun's ring. They had one each. 

"It's getting dark." Ten whispered, fingers wrapping around Sicheng's hand so he could hold it close to his chest. He wondered if his boyfriend could feel how fast his heart was beating. "Want to stay a while? Stargaze?"

Sicheng nodded. Of course he did. He wanted to look up there and… Be reminded of him. This was Kun's favourite place. His favourite thing. They couldn't go home now, even if they hadn't had the sense to bring a blanket or even a decent coat. 

They'd be fine. 

They'd sit cross legged on the back of the pickup and huddle together for warmth, taking turns to look through the telescope and try to remember all the constellations Kun had told them over the years. 

Because it was just the two of them now. 

They couldn't bring Kun back, but they could keep coming out here and doing what he loved. 

Keep looking at the stars. 

Because that's where he was now. 

It was where he belonged. Where he had always belonged because Kun had always been somewhat magical.

Celestial.

Whenever they needed him all they had to do was look up and they knew he would be watching. Smiling down. Knew he still loved them. 

He always would.

Only now from lightyears away.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> feel free to follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) or send me any questions etc on [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen)  
> thank u for reading!


End file.
